Hen nights to remember
White dress? Check. Flowers? Check. Something borrowed, old and blue? Check, check and check. Volatile relatives? Check. Bridesmaids who hate their dresses? Check. Honeymoon? Check. Gorgeous fiancé-soon-to-be-husband? Check. Everything seems to be in order, but there seems to be something missing. Of course! How could a wedding possibly proceed without the obligatory and entirely crazy hen night? It's your last night as a single gal and your chance to paint the town and its occupants the most lurid shade of red possible. And just because I'm in the mood for writing lists, here's one to make your hen night really amazing. All you need to do is get the heels and start planning your cocktails.
The costumes
This is the perfect excuse for dressing up, so make sure you go all out. While T-shirts proclaiming the bride's name and her impending wedding day may be cool, there's something a little sexier about a corset, stockings and high heels. There's also a chance you'll cross that fine line and end up looking like a 'creature of the night', but what the hell – costume parties are all about blurring the line.
The food
Let them eat cake. And you too. Huge ones with marzipan erect penises filled with cream. Or tiny cupcakes with mini penises. Pick up penis-shaped pasta and penis straws while you're at it. Surely there's nothing as sinful as delicious penis-shaped food.
The games
The key word here is tease. A deck of cards, craft supplies and a friend drunk enough to spill the bride's deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets is probably all you need for the games. Balloons made out of condoms can also come handy. All the little games you played as kids can be tweaked into something that would make you blush at the next children's party. Pass the parcel with a long cylindrical balloon grasped between your legs can have that effect. Get a friend to compile a quiz for the bride and turn Truth or Dare into… well, something even more daring. If you have the imagination, the night is open to a million possibilities.
The show
What would hen weekends be without the pre-requisite stripper? It can be a policeman, a fireman, or a man in any uniform (as long it doesn't stay on long). Work out the bride's best kept fantasy and see if you can get the stripper to recreate it. Some friends even get the bride's fiancé to put on a show, G-string and all. A coup of that stature may prove challenging, but other options include a private show or a shameless outing to a strip joint.
The afterparty
Drinking and dancing – let the festivities begin. This is the night that it's perfectly legitimate to get rip-roaringly drunk provided you have that feather boa wrapped around you or a little tiara that lets you off the hook. Hen nights exist in a strange dimension of space where, no matter what you do, no one judges you. So if you decide to gather round the television at the local pub or pole dance at the strip joint next door, rest assured the next morning most people will pretend they don't know what happened last night and the rest will chalk it off to a great hen night. Hopefully you will remember most of it.